I think of these at the strangest times – at 3:00 in the morning, in the shower, on a long drive, or in the middle of a boring phone conversation. Perhaps they are words of wisdom; perhaps they mean nothing at all. At least, I keep them to 25 words or less.
Rivers may run to the sea, but it’s the lemmings that get there first.
The train never stops for people with too much baggage.
The important things never happen at a convenient time.
Fame often brings notoriety, but anonymity never brings embarrassment.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it took nine times to do it.
Progress never thinks twice about walking on your lawn or stepping on your flowers.
Now that I know I’m a hypochondriac, I’m not worried about my health anymore.
Anonymity is better than not being known at all.
The best thing about living to a ripe old age is that you’re still around to brag about it.
First, I was an agnostic, then an atheist, and now I don’t know what to believe.
Be patient. Tomorrow doesn’t happen overnight.
No matter where you live, the climate is either too hot, too cold, or too moderate.
If you’re searching for new places, take the old roads.
It’s not that time moves so fast; it’s just that it’s moving in the wrong direction.
Do not, under any circumstances, give a small child a long stick.
The bigger your house is, the more Dobermans you need.
If we are unable to love people, despite their faults, we will be left with no one to love, not even ourselves.
Pessimists have the ability to stare directly into the eyes of happiness and exclaim, “You’re not fooling me!”
Extra Feature: Dumb Ideas
I call this section Dumb Ideas for a reason that will become immediately obvious. I often think of these things during my wacky weekly breakfast conversations with my best friend in North Adams.
Salad bars in funeral homes
“While you’re waiting, help yourself to our bountiful salad bar. You’ll love our house dressing.”
“Moscow nights were never lovelier, AND SAFER!”
Outlet stores at nuclear power plants
“The Nuke Store, open now at Sea View Nuclear Station! For all your nuclear power needs, at up to half the price. We’ve got T-shirts, mugs and postcards, too.”
Translucent bathing suits
“Modesty, but without the tan lines.”
Caffeinated baby food (Thanks to my daughter Sarah for the idea.)
“Bored with your baby? Does he sleep too much? Try BABY AWAKE! formula and baby food. Each serving size contains as much caffeine as a cup of brewed coffee. Baby will want to play all day. And all night, too!”
Bubble gum for dogs
Here it is, finally! Surprise your pooch with Bubble Pup, the new bubble gum for dogs. Teach him or her to blow bubbles. Only takes weeks.* Just follow our easy-to-understand instructions. Amaze your friends and family. Comes in three doggy-pleasing flavors: liver, hamburger and chicken. *Results not typical.